I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
