Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
