He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
