I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
