I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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