i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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