The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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