I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize