If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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