Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
