I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
