And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize