Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
