i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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