You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
