I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize