Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
