I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
