now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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