just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
