Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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