a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
