why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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