i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize