She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
