I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize