i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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