Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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