Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize