I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize