I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
