I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
