just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
