You smell like stripper and shame
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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