This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
