Michael Bay diarrhea
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The uberlube is also flammable
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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