No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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