When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
