I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
