He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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