Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
