I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
