I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
