so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
