life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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