so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
