i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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