Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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