sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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