two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
