VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
