How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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