Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
