The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
no, he came in my armpit
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
