I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize