On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Randomize
