All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I looked at my own cervix.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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