We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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