You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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