ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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