I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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