My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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